Nassau, 2014

everything went white

neither darkness

nor light

perhaps shadows

could have been the drugs

but it didn't feel like

murmerers mumbled

perhaphs polite

unheard, almost silent

quiet, and nice

complete white comfort

perhaps a pause

just shadows

but it felt alright

Adam

sometimes - memories quiver
slowly, like sliding into a spider
suspending from its webstring

it frightens
drags the furniture into the bathroom
to get a good think on things, easily, cozily
restfully

driving buckets round the island
how old were we then?
linoleum floors
sounded like buildings cringing

it was just you and me
back then
you had the curls, the girls
I had the humor
and a naive sense of things

still do

just me now -
popping through life
thinking these things -
except for the memories
occasional dreams
that stick like spider strings
you're still here
aren't you?

Company

I'm glad you came
company is...
"as honey is to the jaguar"*
"how did you get there?"
I ask of everyone
Secretly
I seem to stay the same

the time that it takes
to breathe is all that I have
and to stare

true love
"we've never kissed before
and it might be strange"*
I'm using you

*courtesy of John Ashbery and Tobias Jesso Jr, respectively

Bird Caged

this is about you
    bird caged
indulging beliefs, believing indulgences
    at some point
there is no difference
    do you remember the wintery days?
with nothing else to do
    a long time ago
when why was everything
    we don't have much of a winter here
every season has it's own feelings
    with vacation variations
vacation has a melody beyond itself
    at least you cried
Thursday
    I know you did
Wednesday, Friday, I did too
    my family heirlooms are in the ceiling
my possible escape
    somewhere
I could sell them
    but they are strange
it's more about serenity
    loneliness isn't loneliness
if you embrace it (I think, I'm not sure)
    but this is your challenge, not mine
etcetera

I've surrendered
    all of these things:
        failures, realization
            country city kiss lipstick
                songs, companions
                    anguish for vagueness for silence

for what?
    I don't remember
do I project a greedy, bloated costume
    screaming brilliant noises
of gifts unseen?
    I should mention jazz
at this point
    not the genre
the strange, secret spasm
    is that right? is that what it was? it's always been there
what is it today though?
    everything can't be a costume
(time) is a pretzel, it works that way
    there are burning weaknesses
        there are complacent strengths
I rival a machine
but one of the earlier ones
this is about digestion
desires
observations
and the combination of quality and quantity of moments
shit! if I had known.

Indoors

I have a quiet tendency
Through the chilled wintry window
Transparent dew blossoms reflect heaven and memory
It is winter
There is no sap, nectar, or pollen
And the bark is brittle
If not frozen

My memory is both a blink and a wink
Shall I explain?
Imagine the scent of a rainbow
Don't think

Messages - like memories - become fossils
They will always exist
But in a small, specialized field
A little terrarium, some would say

Squeeze

I'm too much of a realist
For poetry
-just some of it-
Not poets's poetry
Just mine
I can only lie
And fake it
So much
And then I gently
Place my hand on it
(on the paper, you see)
And squeeze-
This act is calming in its casualness
And crushing
Hence - gratifying
I want to right now
To this that should not exist
I don't like bullshit
Even if it's beautiful

It is windy outside
Inside - I am thirsty and restless

Cricket

start

with a word

something like

I have a headlight out

an absurd happening

there's nothing spiritual about it

(it's all right here)

requiring the simplest of language

been out a week

or so

I think very little of it

-that was yesterday-

today

at a coffee shop

(I know)

got my headlight fixed

on the way

wasn't quite so simple

put something in my head

had to wiggle it a bit

orbiting in and out

can't catch it

completely like a cricket

2,000 miles of Ellem Sea

Never enough time
you were always leaving
2,000 miles of nervous
Yet still you're thieving

I'm conceiving a drink
no - conceiving is not the word
I imagine - I don't think
presently - it occurred
I'm drinking a drink

Still - I'm bitter and troubled
Someone is leaving
my confusion is doubled
and I'm perceiving
most certainly
my insides are cleaving


I've learned
it's better to get weird today
than die tomorrow
Montezuma - as you know
grew old this way
It helps me not sink - its what I need
It's not about power (?)
Am I?
My flower flies west
I'm stuck with the sun
deceivingly grieving.

Ghost

Just say you miss me

What is this future?

Say you want me

My heart is a ghost

Living in the past

Creation is a grande wound

Sleeping in hot honey

An exhilarating cavity

Baby, my bones are stitched

Together alone, hemmed 

With happenstance

Memories of wildflowers

White country smile

Mangled rainbows of reality

This sure is depressing

Innocence - whatever

Should I remember?

Love and Conscience

corner of a whiskey glass

captured memory lips

mine - like a murmur

"a charming explanation"

I know

but I'm not a charmer

sensation tips

life is staying

and my chest is heaving

life is leaving

my chest differs

associations of fine, dazzling memories

I feel like the sun -

sometimes -

but at night

(I don't care about being) misunderstood

I feel my bones -

all vague and drifting

lifting plagues of memories

neither divine nor dazzling -

and I don't think I should

I could get by just being okay

and you didn't have to be you